This is long, sorry.

T yesterday was really hard. It was hard and exhausting and left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I wrote out a very long, very detailed 2 page letter to my T because doing that helps me organize my thoughts and go past the surface and focus on the things that are actually most important. Unfortunately, probably because a lot of the work my T does is with EDs, she focused on that. But instead of giving me her standard lecture, she started digging and bringing up other things like me already being predisposed to developing an ED because I have OCD and stuff like that.

I was trying to be positive about it saying things like, well I don't hate my body as much as I used to, and I've started eating again because I'm in my target range (which really isn't all that low and is much more than I weighed even in high school or at the beginning of college)...but T said she could tell by my thinking, not just then, but in the time that she's known me that it's a problem that goes beyond just not having good self esteem. She didn't flat out say, you have an eating disorder, but she also didn't have to. That in itself was really upsetting, because for all these years I've been trying to avoid developing one...I saw the insane struggle one of my best friend's went through with anorexia and I have always thought that I don't want to end up like her, because in many ways, it ruined her life, even though she is now recovered. And then of course, delving back into high school, the worst time of my life...but had to...cause T wanted to know when I first started having issues with my body...and although I can't really say I remember, I could tell her honestly that by the time I was in 10th grade I was very conscious of it.

And, to make matters worse, she was really, really pushing me on getting a job, even though I told her that I have applied to over 50 places, have made over 100 phone calls and had had 7 interviews in the past week, so I wanted to take a break from looking and applying because I was flat out tired of it. So it annoyed me that she was so persistent about me doing this and that and going here and there this week when all I want to do is chill for a bit, especially since I'll be hearing back about a job at the end of this week.

Overall, not a happy session. Yes, one that needed to happen...but not one that I liked.