No, it's okay, you're not being rude at all. I understand that, even though my mother did the things she did, she theoretically shouldn't be denied love and comfort in her last days. But it's exceedingly difficult for me to even look at her in the eyes let alone give her the love and understanding I don't possess in the first place. When I say she's clingy, I mean she caresses my back from behind, comes close to whisper in my ear, hugs me close, examines me from head to toe, pulling my personal necklace and asking me questions about it. In order not to set her off, I have to keep my body completely relaxed and show absolutely none of the disgust I feel by her touching me and being so close. It's painful when her fingers trail down my back because it's the most sensitive part of my body and it sends shots of cold up and down. I suppose the closest to that feeling would be like when you're at the dentist, and they poke a tooth and it sends something like a line of pain down to your foot, except times ten and goes all around my body.

Sorry, that was rude, but it was the only way I could think to explain it.

I have thought about how I would feel if my mother were gone before, when my dad and sister told me my "fantasy" of cutting all contact with her when I turned eighteen was a stupid and selfish one. Like you said, they told me that I would miss her once she was gone. The fact is, I gain absolutely nothing from interacting with my mother. I feel like I'm only half there whenever my sister and I have to go visit her, and I'm always drained once I get back home. Not only that, my older sister has resorted to self-harm in order to cope with everything going on, causing a whole new slew of problems with our dad. So, no, I cannot imagine missing my mother in the slightest. If the only reason to pretend to show her love and support is to ease my conscience once she's gone, I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. She knows, this far in, that any love and support I show isn't real. She won't accept it. It would be more selfish than selfless at this point.

I try not to think about my mother, but I do. My mother demands the attention of everyone around her, and I have never given her the benefit of seeing mine. Saying to me that this time is her time to spend with us, that this time is all about her, will not sway me in the slightest. We were told by the judge we had to spend time with her, because it was her time with us, when they settled the visiting times that weren't even supposed to exist. None of the time is quality. I've never felt loved by her, even though she tells me every time we visit. It's desensitized me, hearing it so much from her. If someone else says it to me, like another family member, it never feels real, because it sounds exactly the same as my mother. I always doubt it when someone cries in front of me. My first instinct is to believe that they're trying to use me to get what they want. I feel like a complete fraud whenever I cry and someone can see me, just because I can't remember the difference between if I'm doing it because I'm hurting or for attention.

I'm sorry, that was much longer and drawn out than it really needed to be, and I don't want you to feel as though I targeted you personally. This is just how I feel. I'm sorry you feel terrible for my mother, and you probably think I'm selfish for saying all this and wish I would help her as she rapidly degenerates, but I just can't.