I felt it necessary to come back to this. When you had this 'conversation' with him, was it at nighttime/bedtime?
I get that people point out flaws in others all the time, I am baffled as to why tell him, he's an 'abuser'?
To me, it takes two to dance the dance of a high conflict, highly charged, abusive and dysfunctional relationship.
Sure he has angry outbursts. To me, this was passive anger on your part. I an earlier post, you mention that you developed this anger to 'match' his?!
It's damaging to another to be called out on something like this.
Sure, he may have his own character flaws, but each person plays a role.
I really hope you consider working on what brings you into this pattern.
It's also not healthy in mind, to believe that another person can 'make' us feel anything.
Also, when we as humans, begin labeling another as an abuser, that means we take on the victim role.
What brought you to read this article? Even if this 'realization' was the catalyst to leave, no matter where you go, there you are.
If this is to be enlightening, then both parties need to change, not just him. And yeah, I'm sure he has anger issues and says things that maybe he regrets and maybe doesn't regret. I'm sure he has his own stuff to work on. To stay, both parties need to seek counseling. If you go, and he chooses to follow, at least you will have sought wellness and betterment for yourself. If he doesn't follow your lead to wellness, then that's his choice.
Take care of yourself!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlexCL0730
So, we had our conversation. It was kind of funny because as I was reading him the 6 signs of verbal abuse, he denied them 1 by 1. Then agreed to "30% of that one" with some conditions. I just sat there and listened to him say that he's hurt, and how could I think something like this about him. He agreed once again that he has a huge temper "but that's it", that he always acknowledges his mistakes (yeah, after making me cry), and that we both engage in hot-headed arguments and on of us needs to back down, which is true. I guess my mistake has been putting myself at his level. While I thought I was defending myself, I was only making it worse. So, from now on I'm just gonna walk away whenever he gets angry - Funny story: two days ago I left the Laundromat after we started arguing about how to do our laundry. He followed me outside only to make me stop, turn around, and then tell me "You know what? Leave!".
He complains about me not communicating my thoughts and feelings. I communicated my thoughts and feelings and he rejected them. So, the only thing I have to say is,... I hope it works in the back of his head. I'll start doing my part and see if there's any improvement. If not, I hope he is not surprised when I decide to leave.
6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused
1. You feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. You find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. (Not applicable to me) You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. (Not applicable to me) If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.
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