It's not that I don't know how to say things properly, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable doing so, and having to worry about what the "right" thing is. I have to formulate it from scratch, rather than just "know," even for every day things, common courtesies. When I do, things turn out just fine, but to do so is a huge effort and worsens my anxiety.

Like....if it were really me answering, I'd say something else, often things people wouldn't "like to hear" or would honestly just be construed as *****y even if it's the truth, or for the sake of saying something they should hear. I'm blunt, the real me; I cut to the chase. But I recognize that isn't the way majority of society works, and of course it is not my place to go around telling people what they "should" hear, (even if it they really should), because it's not my place to assume I know that or am the one that should be saying it at all. Things like that. So, because of this, I often stay quiet, and then I get the pleasure of having people talk about me in third person while I'm sitting next to them, which makes me even more anxious because it's so angering.

I wish I could talk with my fiance's parents, and if something else happens, they deserve everything that will fly out of my mouth. Thing is, they're cowards, and never say any of the terrible things they do with me around, only to my fiance and his sister, and 90% of the time it's over the phone or via text. Honestly, not trying to sound like tough **** or anything like that, but I think they KNOW that I wouldn't take what they're trying to serve, and so they make sure I'm not around. The moment they do, all bets are off, even if it's the day of my wedding. I have plenty of friends and family that would be happy to escort them from the venue, haha. It's sad I even have to consider this as a possibility.

Can't help but to wish for them to slip up, but I know that's not right - it's just that it would give me the chance to say what I want/need to, with the full conviction that I usually lack. Sad part is, in regard to my fiance's sake, I know they will slip up again, which will ultimately just hurt him. Wish I really felt like I was gaining a family instead of an obligation/ball & chain. As it is, if I can get out of not visiting, I do. And, an unexpected blessing is that my fiance's father is verrry allergic to cats, and we have two in our little place, so they can't come to us. Darn. Hah. At least there's that for a bit of a forcefield, haha.

Since their actions during our engagement, my mental health quality has gone drastically down, including an increase in my anxiety and paranoia. I'm not a blameful person and don't believe in grudges, but this one has been, ugh, IS hard to swallow. I want them out of my life. I wouldn't miss them. And that does make me sad.

Thank you for responding.