I know they usually go hand in hand. My psychiatrist says (he thinks, I haven't still told him, but this next day I'mma).

I've got a problema. When I'm meeting my "friends", I enter in a very bad dissociative state, I think. I think it has to do, maybe, with the fact I met them when I was in a time of my life where I behaved like a wholly different person, absolutely not me now, in fact I don't recognize myself in the behaviours I had or anything, but one day everything ended, it was very, very strange, it was a time where my life changed, to worst, or not, much. I don't know if it's dissociation or what. Sometimes, a voice tells me I shouldn't meet my friends, because I shouldn't and I really don't want to, I didn't want it to happen, and in fact, I took that decisión, it's not like a decisión but mor elike, well, i'm gonna because i'm very much of a loner and meeting with them only makes me feel bad when i arrive home, but they have invited me to a birthday and tonight i slept really bad, there has been a span of time where my stomach ached a lot (i know this is classical anxiety). It increases my dissociative states, or whatever is it that happens that I HATE, I REALLY HATE (i'd say another thing but they forbid profanity here, so i'll try not to swear)I always end up telling people I'm not going anywhere in the last minute, or I end up (the last summer, when this was lesser or I was less aware of what was goingon) going like a pig to its death, and i feel horrible, i have tics, trembling, i feel very tense, i'm very mean even, it's like i was another person, i think the best proof not only of love to me but to them would be not going today, that's the way i see it, and the best proof od love to my parents too, who are the people ilove the most in the world.
The last time I had to leave, i had an attack i don't know really what, but i thought i was going to faint and switch, like my brain couldn't take anymore, and they had to take me to the psychiatrist 3 days after, I'm glad it happened because my problems have seen the light and i don't live cheating on people so much. What do I do? Do I tell my mum I can't go? What excuse can I use? How can I survive this without dissociating and having to do all the **** I usually do, that this time I'm not sure I'm surviving? Like I was fragmented? It's like I had two personalities. Ask me questions, I need it. And soon, because the birthday is in 5 hours.