I have no motivation, haven't had any in the last 2 years. I thought it was caused by my bipolar depression, but now that has lifted quite a lot I think, and I have had some short periods that felt like "normal", only without any motivation whatsoever. I have minor hallucinations that go away with antipsychotics, delusions of grandeur that aren't bizarre and paranoia that isn't extreme. This seems to have progressed the last few years. I have wondered if this is something else than the bipolar, but I don't want to jump to conclusions, I just want to be prepared.
Is there any reason for me to prepare? What should I look out for as symptoms of "something else"?
I am able to do things much more easily if someone is there to help me or just for moral support. I really do want to do things (i.e. read books, finish my mood tracker, take some uni courses, do volunteer work) but I have no motivation to start any task. I can't take care of myself properly because of this (I shower less than once a week, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
) So basically I'm wondering if this is normal for bipolar people and if anyone with schizoaffective or similar dx could tell me what they think, if I should keep an eye out for progressing symptoms or anything else. I don't worry so this isn't causing me any anxiety, just want to be prepared.
Additional possibly? relevant problems:
- long-term memory (very bad)
- anhedonia (also very bad, even when not feeling depressed)
- clumsiness (a lot)
- forgetfulness (tons)
- lacking emotional response sometimes or slightly wrong other times (i.e. I'll smile a lot now and then when something makes me sad, don't know why, and had to fake emotions when boyfriends sister whom I know well attempted suicide + I fake emotions all the time)
- feel detached from reality
- hypersensitive senses that pain me when the stimulus is too intense (for example someone vacuuming, or a truck driving past me, or daylight on a clear day)
- suicidal thoughts sometimes come out of the blue when not depressed and I can't get rid of them
- getting increasingly socially isolated even when not depressed
- talk to myself
- HUGE problems in dealing with stress, I just can't anymore, and I used to be good at it.
- way too preoccupied with religion and spirituality
- thought blocking
- I have problems with social cues, even though I'm decently good at it, and often come off as cold or even mean.
- Thoughts sometimes seem to come from nowhere, as epiphanies or otherwise.
- Nauseating sexual images and extremely violent images sometimes pop up in my mind when I'm anxious or stressed and with people.
Should I bring it up with my temp pdoc? I mentioned some of it to my T last time and she seemed interested, but now I'm regretting it. I think they are suspicious of me and worry that they think I am a hypochondriac. Mom made sure I'll always worry about that.