I spent the last couple of weeks sick as a dog. I have to go to the blood lab today to check my antibodies, and hopefully things have gotten better. I feel much better but there seems to be always something. I have called this part of my life my health adventure. Now I have such pains that its so hard to get out of bed or even walk a few steps. I am in a better space now where I can laugh at myself and not feel sorry for myself. I just keep telling my mind that I can do this and I can get through all of this. It actually works for me.
Throughout all of this I have such dramatic vivid dreams, almost every night. Almost all have to do with my mom.
Last night I dreamed she was in a helicopter flying above me yelling at me. The night before I dreamt that she was by my side helping me and telling me she was sorry and I kept saying is this a dream? Please pinch me to make sure this is real. I woke up feeling so sad. Sad for everything. Another night I dreamt she passed on and I didn't have anymore chances to reconnect or make things right.
I feel like my mind is trying to tell me things but I just can't get the message.
I was at my high risk obgyn yesterday to check in the baby. They did a sonogram and one part was 3d. I was totally amazed. I was able to see the baby's face and watch her move. I was in total awe. It immediately made me feel so much better. The thing is she looks so much like my mother. Odd that I can tell already. I just smiled to myself, but as I was watching this little baby I knew how much we both have gone through together. She really is a miracle.
I have on,y seen my dad once since my earlier posts. I told him what's been going on. I feel he is pulling away slowly. Maybe it's just me. I don't ask him about my mom. I want to but I try and keep our conversations easy. I was sick on Father's Day but my son had called him on his cell phone and then I was able to say a brief hello.
I'm just so tired. Tired of the bad. This has been quite a process of healing for me. It has been over two months since I spoke to my mom. My husband still thinks she will not come to the hospital when the baby comes. He says she will ignore us. Funny thing is my dad will defend it too. Good grief my head is in a million places. Why do I still want my mother? I feel like a child.
I feel like I've taken two steps ahead then three back.