I feel like I have to do this again..I haven't for a week but started to feel urges to again earlier, then later today I find out I make a family member's life miserable, those were their words. Now there's even more reason to. It's the only thing I have that keeps me from just ending things. I understand that I'm supposed to be trying to stop this but it's hard to believe it's really a bad thing if it keeps me alive. I have tried to change myself so many times to fix the way I feel, nothing works but medication and I hate that now family members use it against me like they want nothing to do with me unless I'm on it. I do nothing intentionally to upset them, I know that I have some problems that have been helped with medication in the past, and will be again soon, but it really hurts to hear that I make someones life miserable, that I'm "unstable" and they want to be around me when I'm back on medication, but until then they don't.

They bring up mental health things and use it against me. They don't even know I'm still feeling this bad and still cutting, they just know my moods are extremely up and down now. But they bring up things they do know about from past inpatient, suicide attempts, self harm, in a condescending way like "of course there's something wrong with you, you've done this, this and that" whatever they choose to bring up about my problems to show me that there's something wrong with me. I just wish they wouldn't bring things up like that in a rude way. I understand that things are a million times better for me and apparently for them also when I'm back on medication but I don't know why they have to make me feel so weird like I'm crazy or something. I never have any kind of problems with them until they start interrogating me about if I'm depressed when I try to hide it, then I get mad or upset so of course I seem really unstable to them.