Quote:
Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse
I have a lot of memory loss with manic episodes......I lose parts of days, like an alcoholic blackout. I don't get delusional, but am occasionally grandiose. I do have the flight of ideas, racing thoughts, clanging (where you think of a word like "mouse" and then "house, spouse, blouse, louse" etc.) and coming up with new lyrics to old songs, can't stop moving, can't stop talking, can't eat, can't sleep, don't care, clean everything in sight, even pressure-wash the porch for hours on end. I also spend money like there's no tomorrow and bite peoples' heads off with any or no provocation.
I think that probably crosses the line from hypo to mania. YMMV.
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Hmm, about a month before I thought the episode started I rewrote part of the lyrics of a Queen song.
I never thought I had the capacity to become delusional. I like to keep my thoughts private and so I'm not the type to go boasting about how I'm the messiah, and I probably would have even denied it if questioned about it, which is why I can't bring myself to believe I was truly delusional or psychotic, but then maybe that's lack of insight and thus I truly was both of those things.
I developed extremely loose and even random word/sound associations. I remember thinking it was somehow important to decipher and compile everyday words into alternate meanings. I destroyed or deleted all of my manic writings so I can't remember it all. At one point the word vampire to me suggested that all Irish electricians are vampires. Celebrity names started taking on meaning, Robin Williams became "I am robbing [your] will", Natalie Portman became "Now tell me, poor man", other words became acronyms, and even the shapes of letters and numbers seemed highly relevant.
I also seem to experience deep emotions much easier when I'm like that. At times I thought I was feeling god, other times I thought I was god, and I eventually thought I was bigger than god. The whole episode started with a basis in science, but it quickly became very religious, yet I never go to church and consider myself agnostic.
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For the 3 or 4 months this went on, I never really had a problem with eating, sleeping, speaking rationally or at a normal pace, and I could certainly sit still.
My normal mood swings (which I think are reactive and cognitive rather than chemical) that occur over days and sometimes weeks completely ceased. I didn't feel euphoric or like bouncing off the walls, but I felt motivated, I wasn't bored for the first time in what seemed like years, I felt important, and I was consistent. It was actually like a break from reality and a break from my typical mood swings, which are exhausting. Even though I had some paranoid thoughts they never evoked a sense of fear or panic like a lot of psychotic people have, I only experienced anxiety and some upsetting thoughts.