I want to thank everyone for their input. You all have given me different perspectives and viewpoints from which to approach this situation. In facing it and dealing with it these past few days, I have come to know that my anger, hurt, and confusion is coming from the idea of the man I fell in love with. This man was an artist, intellectual, and gamer geek without kids, everything I wanted. And, as most things are too good to be true, this was, and he has a kid. He is still the same man and I love him, but I am mourning the perfection of what I thought he was. His kid is a living, breathing reminder of that lie and the fact he was with someone else. (Was she better than me? Does he compare us in his mind? See....those neurotic crazy questions..) I am not really sure where to go from here because I am torn with this revelation. My heart says love him because the next guy will be the same thing due to my age. My head says that it doesn't hurt to see what else is out there. I am seeking professional therapy and my first appointment is next week.

Now onto my next question: How do I stop the cycle of the neurotic spiral into questioning and unhealthy thinking until my appointment? I am keeping myself busy: Sewing, cooking, knitting, working on my grad school homework, seeing friends, etc. If I have a free moment, my mind thinks of all kinds of questions such as: Why didn't you sign over your parental rights if you didn't want him when he was young? Why weren't you safe with the sex? and then there's the: Why am I so threatened by a mistake from the past? Any suggestions?

Also, please no one tell me again for the 100th time to put the kid first. While our children are our future and are terribly important, I agree with a lot of the child development research coming out in the past 3 years saying that a child centric view in a family and society is detrimental to the child's social/emotional growth and development. I favor a balanced approach where the best thing that can be given to the child is for his or her parental units (nuclear or mixed) to have a good, strong relationship and teach personal responsibility to the child. If I stay with my bf, I will, in some capacity, be in this child's life. I then owe it to him to have a good relationship with his dad. Right now, that isn't possible because I either pester him with my neurotic questions, cry on him, or get angry at him for being stupid. That's not a healthy relationship.

**********Psychological Forum Therapy Rambling Starts Here**********

I also feel like it's common sense I leave him because he hid the kid. I get it though, he was young, father's have little say after a woman gets pregnant, he didn't wear a condom, and there's a kid. He didn't want it, so he's just kinda doing the best he can in a less than ideal situation. He moved away to where he only sees him twice a year because the economy was better here for his industry than where he grew up. He doesn't have spare money to travel because of the rate of child support. I know kids are expensive, while I do not have any, I buy school supplies, school clothes, shoes, etc for kids in my class that don't have them and need them, but his ex and the kid live only on what he pays them. His fee is exorbitant and, after my attorney looked over the paper work, he is over paying according to the State of Texas' child support formula. I think I would be less bitter about the whole situation if he actually could date me and take me out to nice places without him having to save up for 6 months.

My emotional locus tells me to stay because he's everything I want and there's only one things "wrong" with him and even if we don't work out in the end for whatever reason, this is a good learning situation because as I get older, more and more men will have the babies.