I haven't been on medication for just over a year. The last two pdocs haven't tried to put me on medication again because I get such horrific side effects and the ones I could take do not change anything. I've had plenty of disturbing thoughts and emotions, mood swings etc. but this was all going on before I started the medications, and has been long after I've stopped.

I was needlessly hospitalized earlier this year, in part because it's easy see bipolar in someone's records and attribute any struggles they're having to an illness that was never even diagnosed under a proper clinical assessment. Sometimes my judgement escapes me and I said something grandiose and just like that got sent away to the looney bin. Anyone as isolated and deprived of human contact and in need of a reality escape is going to come off as strange if they start questioning what's real and don't give a damn about how they sound.

I don't know...sometimes I think I sound like a whacko in denial, sometimes I think I'm begging for attention but don't deserve it, sometimes I think I'm just in a hole and need to stop thinking.