@BipolaRNurse

That must be confusing not knowing which is which. I think it's definitely important not to pathologize every thought and feeling, a bad habit I can't seem to shake, but just be aware that mania is a possibility.

In my last episode I was aware that it was likely mania and I even suggested that if I started talking about my sudden goals and ambitions that they would say I was manic....that was exactly what happened when I opened up. They would not have noticed otherwise which drives me crazy---it's like I have to act out or say something I know sounds ridiculous just to get a confirmation but at the same time I question if I'm really manic or whatever, seeing as my feedback to the people treating me is the only basis they have to go on. My speech is fine, I'm not giddy around them, or otherwise manic in appearance.

I simply don't have manic behaviors or a history of them. I also think I'm borderline but I don't date or act out, which again makes it so frustrating to figure out.

I will say that this last episode I didn't care at all about the mania. It was in the back of my mind, I remember saying "I'm manic as **** gotta put a man on mars" to some random person on the internet, but other than that I was too focused on my writings and enlightening the world to care. I notice in particular when I feel really good especially for no reason, I seem to be much more accepting and willing to believe I'm bipolar, and when I'm neurotic and dysphoric and moody "I can't be bipolar, it's all my personality". Usually when I get a flare up of mood swings I drive myself crazy about whether or not it's bipolar, if I'm an ultra rapid cycler, if I'm actually just experiencing severe emotional dysregulation, or if I have some metabolic/physical problem. I also have felt like I've had ocd for years but they always shrug off my suggestions or make me feel like it's not worth discussing with them.

I just don't trust myself, especially what I report to my pdoc and therapist, and I feel like an odd ball with no clear diagnosis or ideal form of treatment.