Hello everyone. I just feel I need to get this out in the open. I have never told my full story before and I think it would be healing to do so.

I am currently in a bad relationship. We have been together for three years, and it has been three years of hell, for him as well as for me. I am a very emotionally unstable person, and I am convinced that I will be cheated on, used, and that maybe he is just dating me for a joke. I left my home town, my friends an my family to be with this man. And now I am asking "why?". He comes from a family that love to drink. Me and alcohol do not mix well. I either say or do silly things in a moment of excitement, or get depressed and sulky. And I am forced to drink alcohol when he has alcohol, no matter how much I hate it. I then drink REALLY slowly so I don't get fed more. This annoys him. He is allowed to be sad, moody, tired, annoyed, but I must be happy. I am not allowed to have a day where I am depressed, and want to sleep it off. but he is allowed to polish off a bottle of rum by himself because he is depressed.

In the past, he has physically abused me. Most of the time it happens when he is drunk, although I have been told that that is no excuse. It has never been bad abuse. Just a few split lips, a few black eyes, and bruises all over. Once, he attacked me at a party and dragged my by my hair. Naturally, his friends stood up for me. After the drama calmed down, I went home with him, and got quite a beating. He made me feel as though I made him do these things to me because I am such a terrible person. I am not allowed to stand up to him. He denies being abusive, and sometimes tells me that I am abusing him by being emotionally unstable. He likes to break things that are precious to me. He has also done some humiliating things, like pin me down and rub the cat's bum in my face, or rub his genitals in my face. He has put my life at risk many times, refusing to let me drive when he is drunk and I am sober. He has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion. Once, he slammed brakes on and my head hit the windscreen, cracking it (the windscreen, not my head). This too, was somehow my fault. I have tried many ways to control the situation. Ignoring him makes him more angry. Agreeing with him makes him tell me to stop being patronising. And arguing with him leads to violence. Twice the police have gotten involved and I lied about the abuse to protect him. Which I wish I had not.

About 3 months ago, my eyes were opened and I realised I am not the horrible, selfish c-word he tells me I am. I made contact with an old friend of mine, who makes me feel wonderful. We chat every day. when my boyfriend is at work, we video call each other for hours on end. We have fallen in love, and I am leaving one relationship and walking right into another. I am worried about this, as I am pretty sure I am going to need to process what I have been living with for the past three years, as well as get over some of my fears. This old friend of mine is an amazing and gentle person, and I don't want to risk damaging what we have. I don't want him to see me in a dibilitating depressive episode where i collapse on the floor and cry for no reason. Nor do I want him to see the paranoid 'everyone is out to get me and you really hate me and will leave me too' streak. I want to be the best I can for him.

I also battle to get the concept of an abusive relationship. In my eyes, broken jaws is abuse, not black eyes and split lips. As for the emotional abuse, maybe I am so terrible that I make him do these things to me? I do doubt. And sometimes I get so afraid of the consequences of leaving him that I wonder if it would all just be easier to stay in the relationship. But then, he has not noticed the three large boxed of my stuff that are in plain sight. he has not noticed half of my clothing and other personal effects are gone. And it doesn't seem to bother him that the last time we were intimate was almost three months ago. And in those three months, he has only tried four times, and I made some excuses because just kissing him hello and good bye is enough to make me ill.

It feels good to let it all out. Wow.