Earlier this month I wrote about breaking up and how I have been trying to embrace the negative emotion instead of fight it. Yoga has flushed much of the pain and the fact that we were at peace with each other instead of a big blow out fight was an amazing revelation. Sure, I have missed him, but our lives don't blend well.
Last night a texted him a photo of my dog's skin, asking his opinion if he needed to see the vet. His response was that he couldn't tell by the photo but he was in the neighborhood and could stop by. Initially I said no, fearing it would be too hard to see him, but eventually I said ok.
Long story short, you know where this is going. He wnted to sleep with me and he kissed me. Again I said no. I didn't mind his kiss, but when I pulled away, he did something odd, that I can't figure out.
Let me first explain that I am around 115 lbs, he is 220. Powerful. He put one hand on my jaw and just pulled it ...it didn't hurt, but he just pulled my face back by gripping my jaw. I was surprised, but as I said, it didn't hurt. We talked some more, and when I resisted him, he then put his hand around my throat, not painfully, but strong. That happened a few times. I think I was just surprised, and I was sure he would not hurt me so I was not sure if this was some kind of Alpha thing...He gripped my throat again, but the last time, he began squeezing, and I felt pressure in my face building and ultimately it was tight enough that either I couldn't breathe or was seeing stars. All I could do was look at his eyes, and it was so odd. He picked me up and started toward my bedroom but I held on to the doorframe and said, no, please don't....so he ultimately took me back and said he wouldn't make me, but that he *wanted to make me*. He was not mean or angry or loud or threatening. It was very confusing for me because after all of that he was very gentle and normal and sweet. And I am wracked with anxiety today because I gave in and he spent the night. What the hell happened?