Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebear9048
My birthday was on June 19th, I turned 15, and you know what ? I was in the psych ward. Sleeping. The entire day. They drugged me up with sedatives and i don't remember much at all, except for eating a nasty plate of macaroni and then going back to sleep. On June 18th, I did something so stupid. I wasn't feeling suicidal. Honestly. But for some reason, I left school during school hours and walked for a bit. I decided I wanted to go buy something for myself. I couldn't find any good stores but I found the bus terminal downtown. I went in there and my anxiety levels were so high, I didn't know what was happening. I lost control. I was talking to myself out loud (something I do when I get anxious in public) and randomly laughing and then crying immediately after. This went on for a bit and the security officers at the bus terminal occasionally asked me what was wrong. I was irritable and I didn't know what to say. But for some stupid reason, I asked them where I could buy a rope. Yeah.. captain obvious much. My feet, my entire life, have always had a mind of their own. I find myself in places I don't need to be, and I end up causing trouble.
Where I was standing at the time, the second floor looks down onto the first floor. There is a railing and you can see way down to the first floor. It is quite a drop but probably wouldn't kill me unless I went head-first.
I'm a really impulsive person, and suddenly I found myself trying to leap over the railing. The security officers, two females, spontaneously acquired supersonic speed and strength, because less than a second later I was being thrown up against the wall and handcuffed. The police were called and I was taken to the hospital.
Despite my attempts to convince them that I am not suicidal, I was admitted. It was horrible. The next day was my birthday and I slept right through it.
I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe someone who reads this has a similar experience to share so I don't feel like my life is completely horrible. I don't know. Someone help me feel better about this  |
When I was 16, I was thin, pimply faced, shy, alone and depressed much of the time. To pass the time , I would ride buses. I ended up at the train station and wandered about there and had the idea of simply jumping out in front of a train. I debated this with myself over a candy bar while sitting in the large waiting room. I had become emotional thinking about this. A voice in my head calmed me down and said in a non specific way as I could not hear the words, but the message was to not jump, things would get better, try to get control of your mind. Many years later, the train station has become a historic landmark and now incorporates buses, commuter trains, and subways. I am now 55 years old and walking pass the same seat in the waiting room. I see myself sitting there as a 16 year old, sobbing. I kneel down and talk to my 16 year old self and tell him in a loving fatherly way, to not jump. I have rescued many dogs and cats people have cast off. I have a loving wife that depends on me. I have gotten physically strong through my employemnt, I have a nice home and have much better control of my mind and intellect. I tell my 16 year old self, I speak from the future to be strong,that your life will touch so many others in a positive way. So I say to you, to be strong.....get control of your mind. Your life is not horrible. Your ability to write about this tells me you are intelligent. Good Luck and write again to tell us of your progress.