Long story short - group of three friends. Of course I often thought that they were ignoring me. getting together without me. They told me I was being crazy, of course they weren't why was I so paranoid. Turns out that they got involved together. Were together for 6 months, all those nights when we used to go out the three of us, that kept getting cancelled were just so I wouldn't be there. they still went out with out me. It wasn't just my imagination. One of the two in particular started really treating me differently. Flat out cancelling plans, going back on her word, etc, stopping talking to me because she didn't have time. Yet, she spoke to our other friend, her partner, all the time. She told me it was different, that she had to give her time to her partner, and there was none left for me. So major abandonment issues with friend one. Friend two, was much better. however, I couldn't stop, and still can't stop blaming her for the issues with friend one. She took friend one away from me. She is the reason friend one has no time for me any more. I lashed out. A lot. rightly so, she left.

At the same time, Friend two also broke up with friend one. For a few months it was just me and friend one again. Then, friend two came back. But only to friend one. she wants nothing to do with me and only wants friend one. and of course friend two went running back. And guess what? I'm not getting texts returned again, They are always getting together, and friend one has no time for me again.

I am so ****ing angry over all this!!! I don't know how to stop lashing out. Friend two wants nothing to do with me, but I can't stop texting her hurtful things - she needs to hurt because she is hurting me! Both by not talking ot me and by taking friend one again. And then I do say hurtful things, and then I am so angry with myself that I deserve to be treated horribly. That I don't deserve friends, and I deserve much more pain than what I have. Then I get even more upset, and I lash out again and it all starts over.

I can't seem to get out of this cycle!!! The relationship literally consumes the majority of my day. thinking about it, hurting over it, lashing out over it, fighting over it, hating myself for it. How do I get it to stop??????