Trigger warning for mention of bipolar symptoms, suicidality, cutting, abuse.

I would just like to hear about what its like for YOU and your hypomania symptoms. I have never had any distinctively manic episodes but my NP thinks I'm still bipolar. I disagree, and so does my husband and therapist, but deep down inside, I'm scared she might be right. I have a track record of being incredibly secretive about my lowest moods which may explain why no one close to me would believe I fluctuate much. I would very much like this to be a misdiagnosis for a lot deeply personal and very scary (to me) reasons.

I have been tracking my mood a bit more since I started taking sleep meds (which I desperately needed) and I seem to get suicidally depressed every Sunday. It certainly happened today. I began to fantasize about swallowing the rest of my ativan. (Don't worry, I'm safe and in control.) I also start having to fight the urge to cut myself. I've been tearful and feel like I'm running from something all day.

What may appear as "hypomania" to my NP to me is just a lot of great ideas, being highly productive, etc, although last week I noted some more slightly off the wall things like needing to get a divorce and move to a 3rd world country. However that is rare, usually my "elevated moods" just involve a lot of different ideas. I'm deeply involved in many aspects of the arts, so I get a lot of work done on these projects when I have a what I term a "good day."

Some of the overlap I believe has to do with my 3 years of chronic sleep deprivation which I am getting under control with meds. (I was previously sleeping 1-3 hours a night for a good while.) Part of the overlap may also be PTSD which causes me to have racing thoughts regarding safety and other things, as well as a high degree of hypervigilance.

In general I hate, hate, hate labels but I also despise feeling like there's a crazy person upstairs where my rational mind used to be. I wish I could figure out how to stop feeling like this; if it meant accepting a diagnosis, well, then I guess I better think about it. I'm not looking for anyone here to diagnose me; just want to hear your experiences with this type of thing.