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Originally Posted by rainbow8
My H hasn't allowed me individuation either; I married him and then HE took care of me like my Mom used to do.
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It could be that's an important reason you married him. I know I picked my mate for some reasons that were reminiscent of prior relationships, and this was, unfortunately, really not in my best interest. C'est la vie. I think working on the individuation issue with your T could be the way to go. (My T calls individuation "differentiation", but I think it is the same thing.) Ask your T, "how do I separate from you?" I guess one thing to recognize is that no matter how you do it, it will not be painless. There is no easy way to end such a close and important relationship.
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
Now my H says I am NOT going to see her monthly when I quit... He says I have 6 months to separate from my T.
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How does it feel to have your H decide these things for you? It would feel domineering and bossy to me, and make me want to rebel. What will happen if you don't meet his 6 month deadline? Will he leave?
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
She's already helping me by telling me not to email her, encouraging me to "live life", and telling me the SE is going to help. But is it going to work, or will I be miserable in the end?
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Well, it will certainly be painful, no matter what you do, but I think whether you are miserable in the future is up to you.
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
I have to change more than he does, or at least I have to change first. When I'm nicer and stop complaining, I hope he'll be there more for me. When I put him first, he'll put me first. That's what I've been told by my Ts and friends.
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When will you be nicer and stop complaining? I think those are worthy goals! Is there a reason not to do this immediately? I'm not sure it is good to put the other person first. That does not sound like individuation to me. I think one can differentiate/individuate while still being nice to the other person, not complaining, being respectful, and trying to meet their needs--one needn't put them first, which sounds merged/enmeshed to me. I think it would be good to discuss this with your H instead of just taking your therapists' and friends' words for it. It sounds like you have an expectation of how your H's behavior will change in response to your changes. Things may not go that way... I hope you can have frank discussions with your H. One thing you've written about before is your H's tendency to be a hoarder, and live in a very cluttered space, and that you do not like this. I have wondered if this may be his response to your behavior of putting your Ts first over him and not trying to meet his needs, be nice to him, etc. Kind of a passive way of expressing his anger. I wonder if the change you may see in him is that if you are nicer, stop complaining, work on your end to improve the relationship, his clutter problem may improve.
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Originally Posted by skysblue
Another book is by Marshall Rosenberg "Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life". It's all about discovering our needs and learning ways to communication our needs to others in a non-demanding way. Also, learning how to listen to others about their needs.
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I so agree with this recommendation. There are also classes in non-violent communication in many areas. I took a couple in my city and definitely benefited. I have a CD set of Marshall talking about NVC, I think this covers much of the book. It is an easy way to become familiar with his method. The in person courses I took helped me learn and practice the techniques, which went beyond what I got from the book/CDs.