Recently I've been having an extreme amount of anxiety because I'm afraid that I'm a racist. I sat in bed for most of the day because I was too busy thinking about this to want to deal with anything. It's gotten so bad that I've been contemplating suicide again.

I've recently been having disturbing thoughts that seem racist to me. The most recent one (which happened today) is when I was thinking about how my sister's bike was stolen many years ago, and I thought to myself "It's likely that a black girl stole it because blacks are statistically poorer". What the hell? There are poor people from all races and backgrounds, but yet that's the conclusion my mind jumps to? A racial stereotype? My mind seems to be so full of stereotypes. Even though I know they aren't true, they infect my thoughts.

When I started obsessing over the concept of race (which happened recently), I found myself thinking things like "Blacks are statistically less intelligent in the United States." I soon recognized that as stupid, but just the fact that I have thoughts like that is completely unacceptable to me.

I've also been very afraid of appearing to be a racist, to the point where I'm afraid that I'll appear racist somehow if I interact with someone who's black. Maybe this could be because I've had hardly any interaction with black people throughout my life. Not by choice, but because it just turned out that way.

The weirdest thing about this is I despise racism and bigotry. I feel disgusted when I see images and hear stories about black people who were killed because of their race. I've found myself wishing death upon racists and bigots, and I know that things that racists attribute to being black is actually caused by someone's financial situation and where/how they're raised. When I hear of racists reacting to things like the interracial couple in the Cheerios commercial, I wonder how that sort of bigotry even still exists in society. There are also black celebrities that I enjoy, like Dave Chappelle, Morgan Freeman, Michael Dorn, Samuel L. Jackson, etc. I'm also very tolerant of homosexuality, I myself currently identify as bisexual. I even think that I could some day be in a relationship with a black man or woman.

So why have I been having these thoughts? Why do racial stereotypes plague my mind when I know they aren't true? Just writing this almost makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, and I'm being serious when I say I'm considering suicide again because of this issue.

I also suffer from depression, extreme OCD, and lately intense anxiety (the anxiety started occuring before I started worrying about this racism thing). I also am a pretty socially awkward person, I stay in my room all day and barely have any face to face human contact besides my own family.

Can someone please help me? I've been worrying about this for the past couple days and I swear I'm going to go insane. I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this post is poorly written and all over the place.