I'm sorry.

I know it doesn't sound like a comfort, but you have a relationship with you, and you are coming clean to yourself. You are fine, just as you are. The lies and addictions are not *you.* They are tagalongs, feeding off of you but not part of you. Keep working to let them fall away. Your past does not exist anymore. Your future does not exist either. All that exists i s t h i s m o m e n t a s y o u a r e r e a d i ng. Even as you remember your damaging past, it does not matter, because you have a version of it and anyone who was involved has 30 different versions floating in their heads about why what happened happened. These versions will never come together as facts or excuses...so the solution is that you accept and forgive yourself. You know better, so do better. You slip, so stand. You are not working for perfection. You are working to breathe honestly, with love for yourself and the world from this moment to the next. That's all. And when you feel tempted toward the behavior you do not want to repeat, try something wild: do the exact opposite. You want to sneak around and make your ex and her friends sorry they are talking about you? Take a breath. Now in your bravest voice...tell them you understand and will always be grateful for your time together and thank them for helping you grow. If they can talk smack about you after that, let them have at it. But there won't be much to say, and although it will feel painful for a bit, your heart will be rebooted.