Thank you for this kind reply. It made more sense to me. I mean, Yes, I understood other responses, but only insofar as "this isn't good" and what I need to know is a clear explanation, as in, "this means he is a sexual sadist" or "this means he might have a problem controlling an urge to choke you out" or even "this means he is on the border of thinking what it would be like to see your life drift away." You know what I mean? But yes, you are right, without those concrete answers, all I have is the Thing tugging and biting at me saying it's a little bit scary and I feel absolutely controlled. You are correct. In fact, the first time I said "No" to him [months ago], he told me outright, "I've never had this problem before. Nobody has ever said 'no' or given me this trouble like you are."
Yes...it's true...you are right. Even before we split, I found myself with anxiety about when he would come through the door, even though I wanted to see him. At one point I hid my car so he would not think I was home and then I bolted the door and jammed the bottom lock hoping that his key would not go in and he would not be able to enter. But as I said, he is a law enforcement officer, and he found my car and opened my locks using something, he told me later it was a credit card. We were not fighting...as I remember I just asked for a little space. But I could not understand why I was so shakey and anxious for him to come here when we weren't even fighting. I just felt afraid and I didn't know why. It was long before he put his hand around my throat.
After the locks failed, I started anchoring a chair in front of the door if I didn't want him to come here. But then we would have perfectly fine, loving days, too.
Sometimes I think I just want someone to tell me that I am over reacting and everything is fine.