I just had an "aha!" moment. There have been a couple of posts in the last few days that have made mention of self-soothing and the idea that Ts aren't there to reassure us, that we have to learn to reassure ourselves and that that is a valuable coping mechanism. As soon as I read that it made things very clear for me as to what my T says and does.

T never reassures me - even when I really want her to. When I have gone in and apologized for something (how I have responded to her/how I've behaved etc) she doesn't say "don't worry, it's fine". Instead she says something like "that seems to be a normal reaction for you, let's explore that" or "why do you think you need to apologize?" which annoys the HELL out of me! I always think "I just want you to tell me it's ok, that we're good, that you don't hate me", but she never does. As I said, drives me mad. But it has made me realize three things. 1) I apologize compulsively, 2) I assume that people think the worst of me and 3) I can't read minds. For her, something I consider a possible rupture may not be the same. Her hating me or thinking I'm a freak is probably inaccurate. And saying sorry all the time and asking for reassurance doesn't really make me feel better, especially if it's something I probably don't need to be apologizing/seeking reassurance for. I am just so used to keeping other people happy that I constantly worry about doing things wrong.

Interesting thing is I think I'm slowly being able to work this out for myself. "Oh maybe she doesn't hate me! Maybe I haven't read her mind! Maybe I didn't do anything wrong?!" I think what's interesting too is that I know that even if she did reassure me that she didn't hate me (or whatever) that I probably would still worry about it anyway. So when I can make it ok in my own head, it seems to make me need reassurance less. Does that make sense to anyone else?

Do you also find that your T will never reassure you, and if so, how do you manage that?

T school must be a weird and wonderful place. Learning how to not reassure people, how to remain impartial, how to respond with kindness and compassion, how to simultaneously encourage attachment whilst maintaining boundaries, how to never talk about yourself etc etc ... I don't think I could do it!