I've been struggling with depression and anxiety at varying levels for as long as i can remember. Last week was the worst I remember experiencing with anxiety, ever (although this time no ER visit for hyperventilating or passing out, but it lasted longer then it ever has before). Although my anxiety has little to do with work, I am feeling better at home for a long weekend (I took today off). I don't know what it was. Time without that work-related pressure, perhaps? Maybe because I sent a goodbye email to my therapist like friend who discontinued our email relationship due to a jealous spouse. Whatever it is, I'm starting to come out of it, but I fear work tomorrow.

While at work last week I was unable to eat, I was shaking, unfocused, my supervisor spoke to me twice about concerns I attribute to my mental health- unusually poor quality work and not making deadlines- and people kept asking what was up and I fed them lies. I told them I was coming down with a stomach bug instead that I wasn't eating because food made me want to vomit because of the level of anxiety I was experiencing. I told them I was unfocused because i was tired, and again, coming down with a virus of some sort.

In reality, I doubt I fooled those closest to me. They are mental health professionals and idiots if they didn't see what was really going on. I fear facing them tomorrow after all my lies, and i fear that I will fall apart again (as I'm not completely together, I just improved enough to keep down dinner last night and breakfast this morning as well as mellowed out the level at which i was experiencing panic attacks) with the added pressure of work.

In the past work has helped me deal with my pain. I bury myself in it. distracting myself from the real-world. Last week it was worse as I was incredibly anxious, hoping beyond hope my friend would change his mind, but he didn't, he is gone.

I find myself checking facebook frantically in hopes a message is there, but there isn't and never will be. Our friendship was bothering his wife and I certainly can't expect a friend to put their marriage in jeopardy over me.

Still, this is of little comfort as I find myself perched over the toilet bowl leaving offerings from my last attempt to eat, get talked to by the boss, or otherwise am feeling the overwhelming effects of a rejection.

Perhaps I need to look at the bright side. I managed to loose enough off my midsection in a week to fit into shorts I haven't been able to wear in years, but I better knock it the heck off before I start losing boobs, cuz I don't have any to spare.