Hi 1205am,
I, too, am a new member as of last nite. One of the main reasons I KNOW I'm going to love being a part of this forum is because there are always going to be people who are going through similar life situations as we are and can give new insight into what we may be feeling or thinking.
Yes, grief is horrible. I have lost family members in the past--dad, grandparents, close first cousins, friends--but I lost my husband of 30 years this past January. I feel like a part of me died with him and in a way, it did. I have felt totally crippled over his death; totally dysfunctional. I used to be on top of my game as wife, mother, etc and now I just don't know which way to go. I have to learn to be someone else now...and as a widow, I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I went to grief counseling for a while, but it didn't really help me much. Grief is a process that you have to make your own. No one else can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Right now I feel like I will never stop grieving over the loss of my husband. He became really sick in March of 2012 and was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease....cirrhosis. And from that moment, until his death in January, I took care of him at home. I felt like no one else could care for him like I could. Because I love him. The doctors didn't love him. The hospice nurse didn't love him. Only me and the kids loved him. I wanted to provide him with the best quality end-of-days that I could possibly give him. I put my own health and well-being on the back burner for 10 months to make sure that he knew he was loved and cared for completely! My immune system plummeted and it seemed I caught every bug or sickness that came by. He was cremated. A lot of his ashes have been spread in various places, but I still have some in his urn that I keep on top of my dresser in the bedroom. I talk to him all the time. I still cry a lot. His side of the bed is so cold at night and that makes me cry, too. I hug his pillow and sometimes I think his scent is still there but I think it's just wishful thinking. We were together over half our lives. It's hard to let go of that. I don't think I can. I think the hardest part of losing him is the 'starting over' part. I just haven't figured that out yet. As of today, I have no job (no income) and no desire to even get out and look for one. There are days that I don't get dressed, take a bath, comb my hair or even open the front door to look outside. My doctor prescribed Adderall for me and it has really been a godsend. I finally had the energy and desire to at least take a bath and get dressed and get out of the house. Things are slowly getting a little better. I guess when we lose someone we've shared a life with, we never truly get over it but we just learn to live a different way. I sincerely hope that you never experience a loss like this, but as my grandma used to say...."Death is the only sure part of living." Grandma and her sayings! I don't know if my running on with all this has helped you in any way, but I have to be selfish and say that it actually helped me to write it! So, I thank you for that. Just remember tho....we can't go around being afraid of bad things happening all the time. We miss out on so many good things. I still have our children and they are absolutely wonderful! Sometimes I forget that they lost their father the same time I lost my husband. So we help each other heal. Just live and love as hard as you can for as long as you can.