I'm overthinking right now. I'm trying to find a rational way to respond to my upcoming SSI hearing before a Judge. That requires me putting together a file, from my perspective, that will over ride whatever the state can come up with to deny my case.

Because my father has been my only source of income from 2005 onward, if he were to pass, I'd be left with nothing. That means this case means my life as it goes forward from the time he passes. Just the thought of that moves me to crazy fright.

Therefore, I am required by circumstance to maintain my control over the situation at hand and to ignore both my highs and lows via my BiPolar disease; to avoid my fears via the paranoia that surrounds me; to avoid the suicidal thoughts that are with me every moment of the day; and, to ignore the pain associated with the terrible, constant, chronic disease associated with the failure of my bone structure that continues to deteriorate on a daily basis.

That's a huge mountain to climb, and I'm filled with trepidation at the very prospect of the coming months. Couple that with my abject fear of being Baker Acted at the hearing itself and you will see that I will remain 'jittery' for some time to come.

To that end, thank you PC for allowing me to voice the state of mind I am in at this moment as I have not been able to obtain a therapist to help me through this coming time up and through the hearing date of August 14th, which being also my daughter's birthday, which in and of itself is a trigger of mine as I am estranged from my lovely little girl and have been for too many years.