That's the funny thing - my parents have been married for nearly 30 years, and of course they had issues at various stages, but ave generally a very happy and solid relationship. I was always their little princess, and have never doubted their love and devotion, nor that of my grandparents. I have never had any issue with past relationships, so it's not past baggage which is weighing me down. The thing is that this is the first man I ever really allowed myself to fall in love with and trust (I had always been a rather emotionally detached partner in every other relationship) and it was just devastating to see that trodden on. I think that men have a different idea about infidelity than women, for us sex becomes such an intimate thing when we are with someone who we love, and at that point we lose interest in other people. Men treat it as an intimate thing with their partner, but as a physical thing with others. They can therefore detach themselves sufficiently when it comes to cheating. My husband has come to understand how I feel about making love, and this is why he is so devastated by my infidelity, and although I know how men think (and he thought before) I still cannot wrap my mind around it sufficiently to deal with it. I write about it and try to talk to him about it, but he looks at it as more something that we each did in the past, that we have each atoned for and should get on with our lives. But I know that he doesn't trust me, and I'm now so jealous, all he has to do is look at another woman and I burst into tears. I have tried shoving it into the back of my mind where I don't think about it, but this allows it to resurface at random to hurt us again and again. Sometimes I feel as though I will never have relief, unless I kill him (to restore my honour) or I kill myself (to be free of the emotional pain). I understand now the honour killings of muslim girls in Pakistan who are murdered by their father or brother because they have brought shame upon the family. How ironic.

je suis la captive de l'etre que j'aime.