Rose, I keep thinking about what your T said, how your mother has a lot of power over you. I can't get it out of my mind. My mother still has this power over me. I'm scared of it actually. I realize she always did. I still find myself thinking when making choices, "what would my mom think", or " what would she do". It's like I feel that way because she always bred in me that she was always right and her way was always the right way to do things.
I'm paying more attention to that for positive changes. Every day that goes by I also think about a conversation my husband had with her not too long before the argument. We were at lunch and the conversation was about if I ever did the things my bother did to her she would never pick up the phone and call me again,like she does with my brother. My brother will drop them in a second and she will call him even if she was angry. She wouldn't do that for me. Oh my mom said, that's not true. My daughter is my best friend. My husband just sort of looked like, yeah right and the topic was dropped.
I guess he was right.
I just feel in my heart that o matter what happens, we are only human. Even if she feels my husband was wrong, people make mistake. But to cut us all off like we are the scum of the world, and not even try to communicate just sickens me. Sure I could pick up the phone or go over there, but I just don't have it in me anymore to fix it. I love my children and could not conceive the possibility of dropping them like that. I would try my very best to make things right. Not have the mentality that my kids should come to me because I am the parent.
The power she has over me. I want to be able one day to say the power she had over me.
My husband has been very kind to me, especially during my health scares here and there lately. He is always stressed about work, but he is better about bringing it home now. I don't know if that will last but its been peaceful. I just started the eighth month so I have been counting down the weeks.
I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel like no one understands what's in my head but me, so that's a big reason I don't communicate well.
I could blame it on my dysfunctional family but I'm done with the blae game. I realized I was no better then my mom shifting blame all the time and being miserable voicing these things that I decided the best way to get through it is laugh it off and focus on changing this behavior.
It's hard because there are times I just want to scream, but I have been trying to live healthy. Some days are better than others, but there isn't one day that goes by I don't think of that woman. That's the power she has I guess.
Sadly, if she came to me I would turn into the biggest baby and cry and hug her. I know it. My dreams haven't changed. I still dream of her all the time.
I just want all the ugliness to go away.
I agree with you whole heatedly that its important to focus on the healing because the priorities take cener stage and those issues dwindle over time. I kow they don't completely go away but they are not important as they used to be. i can't wait to get there.