***Trigger warning. Talk of feeling sui. Please exercise care and caution before reading.***



I talked to my T about feeling sui yesterday. It's something I've discussed with him before, as I mentioned here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/3133436-post14.html. On the back of that thread, I asked if it was okay to tell him about those feelings. He said: "Have I ever said anything that suggests it's not?" I said no, but some therapists aren't willing to treat people who feel sui or who talk about it a lot, which may or may not be because they're afraid of being sued. My T looked very thoughtful, and said he sympathised with those therapists. But then he said he understood why I might feel like that. That it wasn't unreasonable to feel that way (which he's said before).

I said some therapists have no-harm contracts and that is never going to work for me. That I don't want to do it, but I'm finding it very hard fighting the feelings, and I appreciate the fact he's willing to sit with them, with me, without needing me to say I don't mean it. He said people who say things like: "You don't really mean that," want to make it better for them, not for the person who feels sui.

Then he asked me to describe how it felt. Where it hurt. Where in my mind and my body it seemed to be coming from. If I thought it was a current feeling or an old one. If I thought it was mine or someone else's. Because the feelings might not even be mine. My dad had very bad depression and said it was his family's fault he felt sui (which is just freaking hilarious given it's his fault that I feel like that), so maybe I'm not having my own feelings, but his. Then he said that none of this stuff (my life, my problems) is insurmountable. That he thinks he can help me with all of it, and he hopes he'll get the chance to find out if that's true.