I was reading Zorah's message and she triggered something in my head (not always a bad thing). So many of us here have become family.

I am visiting a family this week a million miles away and while they are not my flesh and blood, they mean more "family" to me than my real family. In the beginning, I was scared. Just of so many things: being safe, being accepted, being hurt, being rejected. Every time I turned around, I was ready to dart away. But I was accepted and I was safe, even the times I didn't feel like it.

Because of my life, I really am a scaredy cat. And at the hint of new, different, mean, etc, I run and hide. It's what I do, what I am best at (outside of whining... I'm am actually up for an award for that lol ).

I've been here since 2004. I am a hit and run poster. But even though I don't post a lot, you guys have become a kind of family here. I don't have any support in real life, outside of my T (this family I am with right now lives several states away). I understand the people who don't post and I love reading the posts of people who do.

I know so many of us don't feel safe right now and it's very understandable. But for some of us, like me, you all are all I have. I know so many are contemplating leaving. I contemplate it too and have since I got here because I'm always so afraid.

But, like the family I am visiting right now, you guys make me feel accepted. And while I don't always feel safe, I do feel the support.

I can't post personal stuff much. It has always been too scary. But, I have learned things like how to play a game online. I have listened to the voices in my head get so excited when I click on something Petunia has posted to have fun. I sometimes read posts that I don't even remember making. I find pages open for dress up dolls and coloring pages and I wonder when I did those. I wasn't able to do that in the beginning. I didn't even understand it. I couldn't figure out why people did those things. I didn't know how to have fun is what it boiled down to.

So much here has made my healing progress in ways I would not have dreamed. I know it's hard. I know we don't feel safe. But you guys really are a family I don't have. I know many have already left and more are pretty much decided. I hope you guys will stay. I understand not posting for a while until you stay safe again. But, it's really hard to lose people that have become a positive thing. I for one don't have a lot of positive. I hope that you guys will stay. Even if you don't post, or even if you can't post personal stuff. I would really miss that support if you leave.