I slipped up yesterday. It was about two weeks since I did it last. Just feeling really down all week. Work stress, marriage issues, family memeber sick, feeling helpless. I don't know if I am getting depressed again, but I am feel really down. Talking to a friend helped me the last couple of days. It took the edge off and made things more managable. Not sure why I wanted to cut. I was Sitting in the bathroom for a while wondering if I even should.

It wasn't bad and is far from needing stiches or anything like that. I think I just wanted a moment's break. Blissfully numb is what I thought. Now I have a bakers dozen red scabs in the form of a line on my thigh. Not sure how I can hide it from my spouse. She never says anything about it, but I know it hurts her. I think she blames herself.

I don't know if I want her to be angry at me or if it is better she says nothing. If she was angryiI would attacked or hurt by it. When she says nothing I feel guilty. Maybe I can get lucky and hide it from her until they heal.

I think I feel disappointed in myself. That I couldn't fight off the urge to do it. That I felt the need to hurt myself. I'm starting to feel better today. Trying to fight all of the sadness back. I think I am coping better on the meds. Doesn't mean every day is sunshine and rainbows, but I think things would be worse now without them.

I think more than anything I just want some comfort. I want the security and trust to be restored in my marriage as well. I guess I am asking for a lot.