after being diagnosed with major depressive disorder i found my way to a new doc & therapist who say im bipolar.after reading about it & going back over my life so far it has made so much more sense. the baffling thing is that during all of my manic episodes i have been drunk as im also a recovering addict. i can remember in my late teens/early 20s having sex with many different men or doing sexually spontaneous things at parties but most of the time when i was drunk. i met my husband & this all stopped until a few incidents where i would sleep with men for crack. one time even telling an elaborate lie saying i was going to meet grandparents at mall & then pick my husband up from work so i could disappear & go find drugs. i ended up sleeping with a man & letting the drug dealer use my car all night in exchange for the crack. this was even when i knew i was pregnant. i got sober at 25 & stayed sober for 5 1/2 years. i picked up the bottle again & had some very bizarre behavior where id disappear up in the woods, under the railroad trussel in the freezing cold, & also laying in the bathroom floor & plucking my iud right out. im so embarrassed & ashamed of all of this but what confuses me is i read where manic behavior cant be a result of alcohol or drugs. ive had major despression & painful shyness ever since early childhood. i remember times feeling everyone was against me & had angry outbursts at school & just being angry at the world. ive always been an intravert & very nervous & paranoid. i had a phase a couple years ago where i was abusing xanax then id drink redbull & compulsively exercise at all hours of the night. im a born again christian & theres days i get up ranting & raving throwing my hands around & cussing for no reason. recently i had a spell where i started to compulsively overeat & i was so disgusted all i wanted to do was sleep the day away so i abused my klonopin & ran out. during the past couple of years ive started cutting & burning myself with cigs. just the mood swings ups & downs feeling like im going crazy & self-hate get so overwhelming. i dont have any friends i isolate myself & avoid my family. husband or nobody else in family understands except for my dad who has mental illness. i feel so alone except for having God. i dont mean to go on and on or give details but i was just hoping someone might read this & reply. im glad i found this place cuz its very helpful.