I'm already afraid that people of psych central who read my posts are getting sick of me whining incessantly about the same thing, but I can't let it go. I find myself lying in bed, unable to sleep, obsessing with what happened. In the end I decided it would help to write my feelings and actions with full honesty, but I don't dare do it on my home computer where it could be found by my family, so here I am, dumping on you guys once again.

I was recently told by a very close friend, one (and the only one) I shared my deepest darkest experiences and feeling with, that we can no longer continue to have communications because his wife was feeling uneasy with our relationship and even though she never said he had to end it, he felt he needed to do so to save his marriage.

I want so desperately to be happy for him, I do. I want to be happy for both of them, but I can't, my own selfishness stands in the way.

When i first read those words i felt a sharp pain in my chest, as if being stabbed by a knife. I was immediately shaking and gasping for air. I couldn't believe it. I trusted him, I shared all my vulnerabilities with him, and all at once he ended our friendship as if "I'm sorry about all of this" could fix it.

Over the next 6 days I experienced anxiety as i never have before. I would start shaking and do so for hours. I couldn't keep food down. I mostly gave up eating, just tiny bits here and there so I could keep my blood sugar up (I get stupid when my blood sugar is low). I lost 6 pounds. I lost the ability to cry. I lost that little place inside me where i retreat when pain is too deep to bear (it may have left earlier, but this is when I noticed it was gone). I lost all focus, my ability to concentrate was so bad I got called into my supervisor's office twice because she noticed the quality and timeliness of my work had dropped to "concerning levels, much lower quality work than I normally get out of you." I lost the will to go on living (not to be confused with wanting to die, it is different). I then sent off a goodbye email in which I thanked him for being there for me for the past two years and let him know if he ever needed me, I'm here. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me, but didn't. I didn't want to make it hard on him. I felt i understood why he made the choice he did, I wanted to think I would have done the same if it were my husband who felt uncomfortable with our relationship. I'm so over that.

Now I feel absolutely crushed. I'm hurt that he chose to cut me out of his life like that. There are other options. He's no stranger to sneaking around behind his wife's back, our relationship was through e-mail, he could have continued. He could have at the very least come on psych central (it was he who told me of this website and although he doesn't know my screen name, I know his and he knows if he resurfaced I could at least have had some contact with him in these forums).

Then I feel very guilty. This is his marriage we are talking about, he did the right thing. How incredibly selfish of me to want him to sneak around or jeopardize his relationship with his wife by continuing contact.

Then I'm angry. How could he have hurt me like this? He knew how much his emails meant to me. How they got me through the day. How he was the only person I felt I could talk to. I even considered sending him an e-mail to tell him how angry and hurt I am, but realize I am being selfish. He doesn't want to hear from me anymore. His marriage is at stake, it would be wrong for me to send another email. No good could come from it.

I am hurt that he didn't seem to care about my feelings about any of this. That he didn't even check in to see if I was OK. I realize this is stupid because the one mental health issue he cannot help me with is the loss of him. Problem with emotions, they don't care if they are stupid, they just surface and I have no control.

My anxiety is down to the point where i am able to function at work, although I wonder how long I can keep it up with the lack of sleep I'm getting. I haven't thrown up in a couple days, but as I type this post I can feel the urge building in my throat. I am left mostly with an intense sadness with blips of anger. The anxiety persists, but is now secondary to my depression. Had I kept up the level I was at last week much longer, I would have probably hit the ER, or at least urgent care, by now.

He has since hit "like" on a couple things I've posted on Facebook recently which is unlike him. I think it is his olive branch. I want a fricken tree.

I find myself obsessively checking Facebook, my email, his page on psych central, looking for any indication he has changed his mind, or at least cares enough to check in with me to make sure I'm OK. Of course there is nothing, there never will be. Even if the miracle of him changing his mind was to occur, what we had is broken. I don't think I could ever trust him with my deepest emotions again. I am lost, drained, stomped on, destroyed.

Even as i turn to psych central, it is with great hesitation. Where on one aspect I feel I need to find a new friend I can communicate to honestly about how messed up in the head I am, I am afraid I will grow too close, share too much, become too dependent on them as i did with my friend. I have never been one to have attachment issues, unless you count attaching too much, because I have a tendency to do that. I like people, I attach to them, they leave without ever turning back, my heart shrivels up and dies.

The last time I had a close friend reject me was when I was in college. It was a female friend who I had shared just a speck of my emotional troubles with. More of emotionless facts of my life. When she declared our friendship over (she never officially did, she just quit talking to me, returning my calls, and began spreading untruths about me) it took me years to get over the sorrow, and to this day (It's been about 15 years) I still get anxious when I run into her.

I don't know how to handle this. I cannot remember the last time I was in such a huge funk. To top it off, i have had family issues eating me and no one to turn to with my friend gone. I tried talking to my husband about it who's response was, "Get in the car, we'll be late for the movie." I'm considering talking to the doc about meds, but it seems wrong to think pills can fix rejection. Is it really possible? Can time truly heal all wounds? Perhaps, but there are only so many years in a human's lifespan, and I don't know that I'll live long enough.

So that leaves me sitting here in bed, laptop on my lap, unable to sleep, wishing these past 10 days were a dream. Trying to keep up with the strength to ignore that urge to send him an email that says how I really feel. One that would not fix the problem. At most he'd be filled with guilt, and I don't want that. In addition, I'd be anxious as anxious gets awaiting a reply that would never come.

I love my friend and want to believe these past two years of a great friendship and support were worth the pain. I can't. I want to turn back time and make it all go away. To warn myself to stay away. I want the impossible.