This part of me is something I'm beginning to really hate!!! Wouldn't it be so nice that anyone else in the world would not have an affect on us? At times I really feel like shutting everyone out and dealing with the short conversations I like so much. When involved it is extremely hard to stay whats expected. To understand others emotions and be able to soothe or help or whatever the f@$& they need. I see so much more simple, I don't need to be told by someone else it will be ok my emotions are if my own, to deal with on my own as it is only me who can really help me. Family is a joke, basically it's because of our families why we turned out this way. Then move on to create your own, I am now being told that I make her life miserable. Should I cry? Act shocked ? Maybe I can just really act like the way others want in times of need for them.... NOT happening at least not that I can see. I become so frustrated and then just want to lash out and make her hurt. Is this fair, is it the wAys I want? I don't think so but it's who I am, what I know and is not fake!!! Other family has recently called me to sit down and talk. Work through exhausting issues and so on. My response was I will not cut you out but I will never be the same as I do know this is who I am. Do something to me, use my own things against me and I'm done, easy as that. I will be better by remaining around them but not more than that. I do this for myself, to show a better side with not a care on what they think, feel or whatever. At times I wish I was on my own island, I am a social person when wanted or needed but at the same time I'm perfectly on with sitting around the table while all others are engaged in conversation and not pay any mind to their talks. I am ok sitting on my own with my own self. I learned this from a child and does this make me not the same? I don't fall into the fake bs that others do for being polite or accepted or whatever the reason is.
I have much anger towards certain people, now sone that I thought would never happen but it is. I can't stop it nor change it, I maybe should just accept who I am now and continue the ways I know. Is this what I'm searching for? To be better? To be fake it seems more and more. I have gotten by for well over 30 years with what I am, is it really that bad? Maybe for some people around me but for me it always worked. Before becoming aware this never phased me as it was perfectly normal to me. Anyway I needed to write, write something that my mind is locked in on at the moment. Hate is really consuming me, I feel that people need to understand me more than I need to understand them. I'm so sick of it all, the people, the thoughts, the games just everything!!! Had to write for me and here is where I decided to do so.