**rant for a bit, the actual question is below**

Holy smokes! Even at my worst I rarely get this anxious and angry.

I avoided relationships for much of my early twenties because due to anxiety and the fact that I was moving around a lot. But a young, fit Marine willing to buy drinks rarely has a tough time finding one night stands.

But here I sit at 30, older, possibly wiser, but I feel lonely. Outside of this (hopefully) passing frustration with a girl, I feel pretty good, but a pretty big part of my self talk last severe depression was "no one wants to be with 30 y/o alcoholic asshole loser that lives with his folks and can barely afford his ciggs.." and so on. I was closer to that closer to going down that one we road none of us can return from than I ever have. I don't ever want to be there again. I know it's likely inevitable, but I want to do I can to never be there again.

We'll, recently, I've been getting myself out there and have been talking to this girl who we hooked up a couple times a couple years ago but never got serious. I wanted to, she didn't. But she was one that got a hold of me this time and has been leading me on that she might like a little more than just sex this go round. Now she's for no apparent reason become distant. Blah, blah, blah, relationship stuff, rabble, rabble. Bottom line it's creating a lot of anxiety I don't really need right now.

My question is, those of you in the dating scene or in a relationship but were dealing with your illness while dating, how the eff do you do it? I can't seem the find the balance between wanting to be with someone and the stress that brings with the stress loneliness brings. Or do you not, have you just decided you'll be single forever?

Thanks for any responses!

Mods- if this should be moved elsewhere apologies, please move it. The relationship sub is just so generic, I want a bipolar persons perspective.