riotgrrl- I see what you're saying and was actually expecting someone to come up with the idea that I am in love with my friend, but how do you fall in love with someone you don't even see? Sure I shared my deepest darkest thoughts with him and he did the same, but I don't really even know what he is like.

I tend to over-attach to people and have a hard time letting go. When I was a teen I opened up to another friend, just a teeny tiny bit in comparison, and when our friendship dissolved I had major anxiety attacks and cried over it literally for years. I actually just ran into her about 3 months ago and found myself nervous, flustered, shaking, not knowing what to do with myself. This is 15-20 years after our little falling out.

I also get paranoid when in groups of people-like at work. I always fear they don't really like me, or at least not as much as they like each other. I fear they are talking about me. I get extremely sad when they move on to other jobs. I'm terrified of rejection.

I guess I'm not going to deny if the world was a different place and the friend I just lost and I were both single, yes I would date him, but he and I are very much in love with our spouses and have no intention of leaving them. I love my friend. I am in love with my husband.

I think the problem is I feel betrayed. Although a few people from my past knew of my dad's alcoholism, he was the first that helped me process through it. He is the only one I ever shared my SI with. He is the only one I ever admitted to being molested as I child to (heck, it's even difficult to type it out even though I know none of you will ever know who I am), until after I talked with him about it I told my husband. I've never had counseling or therapy. I've always bottled stuff inside. I finally spilled the beans, which was a big deal to me and I thought I was understood, and then I was set aside like a rotten piece of fruit.

I also have ongoing issues with insomnia and difficulties eating when I'm stressed out. I throw up and after a couple days of throwing up I get afraid to eat because every time a morsel of food passes between my lips I get anxious about not keeping it down. I'd rather not eat then eat and throw up. Admittedly I did almost completely quit throwing up when he and I were writing, probably from working stuff out instead of bottling it up, and now it is back and worse than ever. My anxiety attacks have been with me since i was a teenager, although I'd admit none held a candle to the intensity and duration of this last one.

This also happened at the same time i have been experiencing terrible flashbacks with an intensity I haven't felt since i was a child that started days before my friend tossed me aside. Additionally, one day before I was tossed aside I attempted to reach out to my father and was turned away. I also realized he is having SI again and pretty much feels he doesn't have to bother because his physical health with get him soon anyway (and he is quite likely correct). So yes, not that there would have ever been good timing, but this was really bad. He was my confidant when i am in pain and now he is gone. I am mourning the loss of my friend and I am beside myself in trying to deal with the pain of his loss, my flashbacks, my rejection from my father and hold it together enough to take are of my kids, my husband, and my job.

Therapy is not my thing. Never was, never will be. I require two way communication about feelings and any therapist who does that has terrible boundaries. I'm hoping through talking to people at psych central I will be able to process through things. Even if no one responds, I learned it helps to type the mess in my mind out to help recognize and sort through my thoughts.

Come to think of it, it has. I am able to eat small meals now. I haven't thrown up since Sunday. My anxiety persists, but with no where near the severity. I am wounded and my scars will never fully heal, but they won't be fatal either.

Thanks