Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression


You guys may or may not remember that I have been recently diagnosed bipolar II. Well I have been so depressed for about 2 weeks but the last 2 weeks keep getting darker and darker. I talked to my therapist yesterday and it's getting so bad that I'm afraid I might lose my ability to stay safe. I am constantly tearful and fighting either suicidal or self harm urges. No cognitive tricks are working. There seems to be no room for rational thought or logic. I fell asleep crying last night, had a horrible nightmare and woke up sobbing, never did get back to sleep. Cried on my way to work. Cried AT work. Cried on the way home from work. Crying now. Funny thing is, I'm rarely a crier.

I did call my PMHNP and she said it's time to start a mood stabilizer. I really begged for just an antidepressent but she was very adamant about either lamictal, high does seroquel, or lithium. And then, shocking I know, I cried on the phone at all this information because I'm still in denial about this diagnosis, and why can't I just take an antidepressant like a "normal" person?

I know my thoughts are irrational but I feel like I've been diagnosed with a chronic illness that actually could potentially kill me. I'm so scared!!! My therapist says it's not my fault; years of fear and anxiety have switched my brain chemicals around and that is what's going on. If only I could have responded differently to things that happened years ago, maybe I could have stopped this before it ever started.

I just want to crawl in a hole. I won't let myself write a suicide note. I'm safe at home. I won't take my pills. I have my dog keeping me safe and my husband (mostly) aware. I have a puzzle to work on a quilt to do. I can take a nap. But mostly, I just want this to all be over.