I know the feeling. I am in the process of coming to terms with things myself. I finally broke down and am taking lithium. It has really taken the edge off. I have heard that Lamictal does great things for the depressive side...if you have BP2 and are super depressed, that may be a great starting place? For me, making the decision to start the meds was the hardest part...frankly the meds and acceptance have made life a whole crap-ton easier to deal with, but getting to that decision was gut-wrenching to say the least. I hope you are on the road to peace soon. ((HUGS))