I'm new here, and have so much weighing on my mind. To put it shortly, I've been divorced from my ex for over 2 and a half years. He remarried very quickly, thanks to getting a girl pregnant about three months post divorce. He's been married about 21 months now. I remarried, grudgingly, about six months ago. I say grudgingly not because I don't love my husband, but that after all the hurt and scars from my ex, I wasn't very excited about opening myself up like that again.

Immediately after divorcing my ex, I did everything I could to stuff down my grief. He moved the woman he's now married to into the house the day I left, as a roommate. Clearly there was more, but I can't begrudge him having physical needs.

We tried to talk briefly two months following the divorce. About a month into it, he ceased communication, even with our son. I later discovered the girl had gotten pregnant, despite telling him she couldn't have kids. He waited to marry her until the ninth hour, and immediately after he married her, began battling me for custody of our son, seemingly out of the blue. I was so angry he had remarried, so angry he had moved on so quickly.

For two solid years, we were absolutely disgusting to one another. We fought, argued, called each other names and treated each other like crap. We were constantly embroiled in post divorce litigation. The threat of losing custody of my son made me so angry, I couldn't see what was happening. I see it now.

I never grieved the loss of my marriage. I spent so much time blaming him and not enough time learning from my mistakes. I had a couple of opportunities immediately post divorce to try to get him back (I filed for divorce), but I let those opportunities slip thru my fingers, determined to show him I could make it without him.

Today, I sit here broken and totally destroyed. We finally stopped battling each other legally, by mutual agreement, about a month ago. He wanted to surrender his rights to our son because I'm remarried and my husband is here all the time, and our young son makes it plain he sees him as his dad (which kills me and I think it really hurts my ex too). I wouldn't allow him to surrender his rights - I feel our son is too young, that my ex would come to regret it... and frankly, the mere thought hurts like hell.

In the last week or so, we've been trying to negotiate a reduction in his child support. I don't care one little bit about the money... I've come to the realization that I never grieved the loss of my marriage and fear that I may still love my ex. That stings. I found old pictures today and they just destroyed me. We used to be so very happy together. A very stressful move overseas and many fights destroyed that. I was too young and stupid to work through it effectively. It probably doesn't help that I'm facing my 35th birthday in a couple of weeks. All of this just hurts so very much. To be completely honest, if my ex said, right now, come home, I just might drop everything and go running. I'm terrified that I feel like this. I have no clue what to do.