I am struggling to make sense of some things relating to the highs and lows I have experienced, too. It is almost like I have a beautiful gift that allows me to touch a peice of life that few others get to experience. Its sort of like gaining access to a window into the universe. Like seeing for a moment (or longer) the answers and the ultimate in connectedness of all living things. To me, that IS deeply spiritual, however, like Nessa said, if that is just part of an illness and not really real, it is super sad.

As far as the psychosis goes, I believe the brain is just working full-throttle during that time, and that the after-effects are like the wake left behind by a boat in overdrive on the water. Eventually the water (your brain) will find equilibrium again...but the amount of time may be longer than you expect. I mean you can run a boat hard and fast for a couple seconds, but it can take several minutes before the water has totally settled. Unfortunately, you cannot just will yourself better. You just have to be good to you, be careful not to cause your brain any distress and just hang tight.

I have asked myself and wonder what if my "normal" has changed (last depressive episode was the worst of my life)? What if I need to accept what I have learned and not expect to be who I was before. Honestly, that person was far less compassionate and far less aware than I am today. I am also much more fragile and lonely at this point. I guess just learning to accept (once you go through a life-changing episode) that life is just different is important. Whether that has spiritual ties, chemical and/or cognitive ties, or otherwise...not sure that that changes the end result...we are different for having gone through what we endured and we can look at that from a variety of perspectives.

I hope that you regain the parts of you that you miss and that you feel good about yourself again. I look forward to that day, too : ). I guess we are in the same "boat". LOL. Sorry...stupid sense of humor.