Yeah... I think I need to just shut up until the medicine kicks in... no matter how long that takes... because I don't believe any thoughts right now - good or bad - the good "probably won't happen" and the bad "aren't reliable" and I confuse myself. I don't know what to do with myself...
What's concerning me is that this morning I started to feel positive about things, that maybe they could work out, that even maybe I could figure out relationships and someday have close friendships and fall in love with someone, besides maybe enjoying my studies and finding a job I'll enjoy. *man it's difficult to type with sweat pouring off my hands... this side effect is very frustrating - a comment I felt I'd insert here.* My pastor believes I have a lot of potential, and I've thought so before too, but I've figured I'd never achieve any of it since I seem to fail at everything. But now I'm actually hoping for it... and I'm afraid I'll crash hard soon... worse because I've been telling myself not to hope for anything, and haven't in a while, so I'll be so mad at myself when I go down. But still, I've started hoping that this is a step, and that I'll be able to start redirecting thoughts as we talked about today, and I'll move forward. And maybe actually live... not kill myself as I've thought I'd end up doing soon(not that I had a set plan, but figured I'd lose it soon).
I'm unsure whether I should still look into counseling. If I'm going to need it I don't want to wait, the sooner I can start the better. But I don't want to waste the effort if it's unecessary. My pastor did mention it as something he'd recommend if what we're working on now doesn't work out, but I'm not sure if he doesn't know yet if it'd be necessary/worthwhile, or if he's waiting until it's obvious nothing he can do will help enough because he doesn't think I'd be willing to go or is concerned about the hassle it'd be with my mom for me. If that made sense. Hm. I suppose I should just ask him... but I'd feel stupid. Not the best excuse... but... yeah.