In any relationship reguardless of what type it is, TRUST is the most important thing that two people can have. This man was your security blanket. The loss you feel is very understandable considering what you have been through. He basically served as a therapist for you and it's not uncommon at all to develop a deep emotional attachment/connection to someone that can provide you with that level of comfort. It seems that you are beginning to work through some of the issue's of losing this connection and I wish you the best of luck. Try not to be so hard on yourself.