Ever since I remember I have had this place inside of myself in which I would retreat when I simply couldn't take it anymore. It's a quiet place, without emotion, it's cold and dark, but I don't care. I feel I am tucked in the back of someone else's body, observing their motions through life, but I am not a part of it. There have been times I've retreated so far in that I actually feel I am outside of myself, looking down on my life, observing while not actually paying attention or caring.

My husband hates when I retreat to this place. Although I still can function through life while there, my actions are slower, there's less purpose, my affect is flat, my sense of humor withers away, i am non-present. He begs, no insists, I snap out of it. I can at will, although if I spend too much time there I lose myself and have a difficult time staying out, retreating frequently and fighting to get out. It can actually be frightening, feeling sucked in like that, which is why I try not to go there.

These past couple weeks have been the hardest i have had in a very long time. I have found myself trying to retreat to that place within, not caring if I ever make it out, but I cannot find it. I am still withdrawn, I have to work hard not to be and it is incredibly exhausting, but I can't become the emotionless observer I once was. This place between is the worst. Where i can not enjoy life, I have to fight to participate, I am drained, everything seems hopeless, yet I am required to feel everything. I guess they call the place between "depression." I really hate this place. I need to find my way out.

And yes, I know, you all think I should go see my therapist..