Something happened to me on Monday which has closed a painful unfinished chapter of my life.

I think that I have mentioned in the past that I was married once before. My ex has a son, who lived with us from the time he was 9 until my ex left me when my stepkid was 15. I was rather young when I met them -- only 23 -- so it was a big adjustment living with a 9 year old. None of my friends had kids, or certainly not 9 year olds. Additionally, my stepkid had some problems adjusting to school, had some weight and health issues, and eventually was diagnosed with ADD. It was really difficult for me during the first couple of years, but I stuck with it and gave it 100%. After 6 years together, my ex fell out of love with me and left me rather abruptly. My stepson continued to live with me for a few months while we sorted everything out. Weird, I know, but strangely it made sense at the time and was better for his school routine if for no other reason.

After we sold the house, I continued to spend time with my stepkid, either for dinner or by phone, for the next few months. We agreed that just because his dad and I were divorcing, it didn't mean that our relationship had to change. But his dad remarried rather quickly and, well, I guess a 15 year old doesn't want to hang out with an adult much anyway, so for many reasons he kind of drifted away from me and within a year, he had completely stopped returning my calls.

I was mortally sad, but I understood. I grieved the loss of my marriage daily, but people do fall out of love and while I didn't care for the way my ex handled the separation and divorce, neither did I want to remain in a one-sided marriage. But worse was what felt like rejection from my stepkid, on top of rejection from his dad. Rejection rejection rejection.

I didn't push the issue - if he was uncomfortable, then I wanted to respect his space, so I limited myself to a Christmas card and a birthday card each year. I never heard anything back, and this year, after 8 years of being separated, I decided to stop sending them. I just gave up hope.

Oddly enough, last week I got an email from him, out of the blue. It started off very short, but progressed to a much longer email exchange toward the end of the week. I had dinner with him on Monday, and boy, was it strange. He's 23 now -- no longer a kid. We were both kind of uncomfortable, but had a really good time anyway.

It hasn't really sunk in for me yet. I've been visiting my parents since then, so haven't had any alone time to really process what has happened. I had felt like such a failure in that relationship -- I remember crying to my ex, during the breakup, that it felt "like my best efforts hadn't been good enough" for him. He replied "no, they weren't". I still feel the cold chill in his voice, even today. It literally took me about 6 months before I stopped crying on a daily basis, and about 2 years before I could go more than an hour without lamenting my loss.

I know I'm rambling - my thoughts aren't very linear about this issue - the whole thing is rather complex for me. This was such a milestone - my stepkid hadn't forgotten me after all - but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. Or do I? Maybe I already know the answers, but it doesn't take away 8 years of hurt. Nevertheless, he hasn't forgotten me, and after dinner we went to a bar and had some drinks (ok, yeah that part was weirder than most of it -- drinking with my stepkid even though he was only 15 the last time I had seen him!!!!), he told me a bunch of ways that I had influenced him. Almost as if he knew that I had been second-guessing myself about that all of these years. I didn't confess any of my relief or bring up my hurt -- it just didn't seem appropriate to let my emotions out, and it still doesn't. As I'm typing this, I'm just thinking rather than feeling. Not ready to feel yet.

Sorry - stream of consciousness post from me. Not how I usually like to do things, but I'm just trying to sort things out for myself. Thanks for listening.