"really? you had no idea? none? do you live on planet denial or do you have self-ignorance instead of self-awareness?.... orrr, did none of this pose a problem until a pdoc said it was"

I lived on planet denial. I had my first serious suicidal depression at 15, my first mania at 17, but I didn't go to a doctor until I was 30. My role in my family was to be the 'normal' one. Both of my older brothers had serious mental health problems (bipolar and depression respectively) and my parents were always so proud of me for being normal. It was a role that I maintained outwardly. My husband and I did talk about my highs and lows and a few times discussed that I should see a doctor, but I didn't follow through until I was 30.

I have a suspicion that my denial was so complete that if you had asked me whether I had ever been depressed in my stable periods I would have denied it.

There was a part of me that knew, and I actually told my husband what the diagnosis would be before I went to the doctor. I think I had to accept it, before I was able to hear a doctor say it.