Thanks for all the responses!
And to the question of being in denial...I always knew something was different about me. When I was hospitalized at 26 after a suicide attempt the doc said there was nothing they could do for me til I got sober. So I got sober and spent 12 years in AA thinking I was nuts because I was alcoholic. There were plenty of people telling me that was so.
But I was sober when I lost it in 2010...
Does that make sense?