I know that my mania leading up to full blow psychosis was something spiritual as well. Believing I could see the future, the devil was after me, people were starring at me, and I was in a utopia of sorts. I felt a special connection with every human I interacted with. Like I could feel their astral body one with mine. Like my soul was leaving my body and communicating with others in higher consciousness realm.

Everything I was doing felt so real and everything was making sense in a perfect way. It's kind of like I could do anything I wanted, but I was already receiving everything I wanted. I was a peace and the only purpose in the world was to serve God.

I wonder what would of happened if I didn't become medicated. Would I of crashed or would I of "come back to reality on my own terms?" It's a "what if" question.... but it honestly bothers me. I hope the ripples in the water settle down soon and I can regain normal functioning (as far as being social is concerned and the ability to use better words to describe situations and stories). I hope I can eventually be dry again.... But still be cleansed "spiritually?" I still don't know.

I've read things online that people that don't get treatment end up bad. What they mean by bad, I have no idea. I don't feel like myself and it pissed me off yesterday when I was at an open house. I felt like people expected me to say more, be more involved. I could only stay afloat for a while before I took a dive and ran out of conversation topics. I figured I would use a water analogy, it seems to be the trend. I was telling some people about the feeling like you're on top of the world... and they look at me like I was crazy. I guess I am and that's something I'll just get to hold with me for the rest of my life.