Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
Ah, an "embarrassment" of riches? I remember when I was living hand-to-mouth and would have $4.37 balances and then married my husband and suddenly had $3,482.63 balances? Maybe you don't feel "worthy" and a bit like a fraud suddenly making all that money and here these people "saw" that and called you on it?
You think you're "pretending" but they don't know anything about that, but it rubs it in because you cannot prove they're wrong to yourself; you literally did not have money for the bill right that moment ("But he's not wearing any clothes!")
That could be why the "joke" of lending you money to pay the bill did not make you feel better and like the person was an adversary instead of a former colleague/"friend"? You went from job A to job B but here you are in the "middle"; A doesn't want you and you can't prove you belong to B.
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Perna, yes! When I had to go back into the restaurant after checking the balance at the ATM, I did feel like a fraud and when I explained how much was available at the ATM, I did feel like I was exposed (naked) and that everyone saw me for what I was. Exactly what that is, I do not know.
I am a bit confused by some aspects of your reply. Specifically that I think I am pretending and that they saw that (even though they don't know anything about that) and called me on it.
Also, to (sort of) change the subject. Since you and I both interested in psychoanalysis/object relations, last night I recalled two memories that I do believe are linked to the feelings I had in the present situation.
The first (and more recent) occurred in the seventh grade (I'm now 23 soon to be 24). A girl (a friend) told me that she had to tell me something, and I replied, "What's that? You're boyfriend got you pregnant?" I was attempting to be funny and make her laugh - we went to a Christian school and the girl was very shy and quiet and sweet (everyone was also really perverted that year with jokes). Looking back I realize that it was a horrible thing to say - I've learned from the mistake. She went and told our teacher, and the teacher called me in and wanted to know why I would say that, if I knew that is slander and that she could sue me (which angered me, how on earth could a "friend" that I've known for years just ignore all the relationship we had built and sue you over something that was said). I had the deer stuck in headlights feeling (anxiety) and was not able to look teacher in the eye. I felt very ashamed and I felt very angry toward the girl and the teacher - but would never show it or express it (since being angry to me then was sinful and did not fit in with my "nice" image of myself that I had in my head).
The second incident was a few years prior to that when I was probably 10-12. It was on a playground in the town that I grew up in, a small child walked up to me and said, "Look Mommy! A big baby!" and held his arms out to me like he was going to hold me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed - I also had that same deer in headlights feeling. I got so angry toward the child and the mother - I imagined myself or my family yelling at her for failing to properly raise a child. I quickly ran in the opposite direction. I stopped going to playgrounds, public pools, doctors offices with small children. I felt very anxious and uncomfortable when around children - I hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. I was very critical toward the parents in my head (how could you let your child speak so loudly, how on earth could you let snot run down your child's nose, how on earth could you let your child wander around the waiting room and speak to people?).
Typing the second incident now reminds me of another memory around the same age. I was always much smaller than my peers (at one point in middle school I only weighed half of what the other guys weighed and I've always been short). I'm also very weak - even now I can't even do one push-up. I was at my mother's house for the summer and we had a small pool in the backyard that my younger brother (by two years), the son of my mother's friend (younger than ten at the time), and I were all playing in. Eventually somehow, my mother's friend's son ended up on top of me and kept jumping up and down not realizing what he was doing. This kept me underwater - and I was choking. I began to panic. To make matters worse, my younger brother of two years was under me. I tried pushing the boy off my back - but he would just jump again on me. This kept me underwater, and my brother under me in the water. We both were really choking when he finally got off me. I ended up getting in trouble - with both my mother's friend and my mother. I got grounded and had to sit out that day because I apparently "intentionally tried to drown my brother." That was not my intention (I was scared during the incident), I didn't want to drown him (and looking back on this - I feel so angry... wtf!? Why on earth would I try to drown my own brother? And if I did, then you both failed as adults - and a parent - when you didn't take me to a psychologist/psychiatrist after that incident!). No one took my side, no one even considered my version of the events. No one believed me - not even a consideration that I could be right. I was wrong from the beginning -set up for failure (possibly). I was told that I'm the older and bigger one, and that I need to grow up and stop blaming Chris (the boy on top of me) for the incident. Chris received no punishment.
No idea how they both original memories and the third memory related to the second one are actually related to this incident.
Sorry for such a long response! I realize that I'm extremely long winded and bogged down in details!