Ha...very similar issue here. I'm also a nurse and thought to myself "Well I'm not going to be one of THOSE patients!" Ironically, the day before my most recent terrible crash where I could think of almost nothing but suicide day in and day out, and which finally ended me up on meds thankfully, I had a patient who had a history of bipolar who went completely,and I do mean completely apesh*t on me at the end of my shift. It scared me, quite frankly, not because of how she acted, but because I realized I saw something about myself in her... Sometimes you get the patients you need, not the patients you want...

I have only very recently (a month ago?) been diagnosed and just started meds 2 days ago. It was a shock to my system, but I know I should have seen it coming. I have really come full circle in the past 48 hours. I KNOW I need the meds. I look forward to day when they start to kick in to their fullest effect. I was at a point where I was going to die, so now I'm thankful for my life, and especially my therapist (ESPECIALLY my therapist) and my PMHNP who helped me pick one foot up after the other when I really couldn't do it anymore.

I had my first suicidal depression when I was about 16...went on Paxil and remembering telling my therapist that I couldn't believe it worked so well after 2 doses! I was bouncing off the walls. Then at some point, on the same med, I dumped into another depression that lasted another long while, with off and on bouts of suicidal ideation/intention and some really close calls. Later, the same exact thing happened on wellbutrin...I took it, flipped into what I now understand to by hypomania in about 2 doses (even though normally antidepressents take WEEKS to work right?) then dropped into another suicidal depression until I finally went off the med. Most of this time, I was not in treatment, or not in any serious treatment and certainly not diagnosed. In between all the suicidal thoughts have been moments like when I decided to open a restaurant with a total stranger or deciding to move to North Korea.

I have always felt "different" for a lot of reasons, and always hid my moods from others but wondered why no one else seemed to experience the same sudden, unprovoked "swings" that I did...I found people laughing at my hypomania-induced thoughts and never understood why. I really never considered this diagnosis, and it's still terrifying to me in many ways, but now that I'm closer to accepting it, I feel a lot of relief and I hope the same happens for everyone who struggles with this.