Im so sick and tired of being my husbands caregiver. The definition of caregiver should be the emotional punchingbag, the forgotten, the whipping boy, whatever. He is selfish. He is like a big babg. He does not care about how he makes anyone around him feel. He starts arguments with everyone them blames the other person for his unhappiness. His doctors give him medicine that will help his Crohn's yet he will not take them. He thinks that because he is in pain and he is sick that hes THE only person in the world with problems. He doesnt care how he makes others feel. We are supposed to walk on eggshells and watch what we say to him, but he can say whatever he wants and if anyone tries to defend themselves, THEY are starting arguments with him. He had a really good day yesterday and in the car we were having a conversation about his brothers gf flirting with him (note: this dont make me mad. I find it rather funny considering who she is and that was the nature of the conversation) he was laughing about it too. Then he cuts me off mid sentence amd accuses me of flirting with every man around (keep in mind Im an introvert in the most extreme way especially when it comes to men andhe knows this). He has said that a million times over the past 12 years we've been together. And everytime he does, he knows I will get defensive and that it will start an argument but he says it anyway. Well he said it. I tried to ignore it but then he said , "And it pissese the F off". So of course it starts an argument. Way up until 2am. I finally just shut up and went to sleep. I wake up this morning an try to talk about random funny things and he says "I was having the best day that Ive had in years and you just ruin it. You cant stand to see me.happy. " Then he walks out, slams the door and goes next door to watch sports with his grandfather.
I am so tired of spreading myself thin, talking to doctors on his behalf, spending hours every night making his special menus, cooking his special foods, literally fighting with him to take his meds, all while ignoring the fact that I am beginning to start dissociating, forgetting to feed myself, or brush my damn hair and teeth. Im living on coffee, cigarettes and 4 hours or less of sleep a night. I need my meds, but I am too damn busy with his medical needs that I cant go do my drug test to get my meds. I feel like Im losing my mind. Im spread so thin, I dont even have time for a long relaxing bath. Of Im not taking care of him, Im taking care of our son. When Im not taking care of them, Im cleaning or cooking. My nerves are shot. I dont have time for "me time". Not even at night cuz even that time goes to figuring out his dietary needs. Im so sick of it all that I just want to run away somewhere. Just leave his selfish *** to take care of himself. I do a lot around here. Not to sound arrogant, but this place would just fall apart if I wasnt here to run it. But I dont care! I need to take care of me and MY mental illness. I dont have the support that I give him. I have me and thats it! And Im not doing so great! Im hypoglycemic from not eating enough. My weight is like a yoyo. It goes up then down. By no less than 20 pounds at a time. I feel like Im just gonna fall out in the floor. My hands shake so bad Im hardly typing right on this touchscreen. Im just burned out. On life on him. Mabye I am going insane. Or having a nervous breakdown. Its really hard to tell. I just dont know anymore!!