Today is awful, most likely because it's the day I'm realising I'm slipping into a depressive episode.
I feel both so sad and so empty at the same time. I feel so hopeless, like I do not have the energy to keep fighting through this all for another day.
I feel physically weak, exhausted. Pieces of me want to cry, the rest want to curl up in bed and hope it feels safe, and my head is just screaming. It doesn't want to settle.
I feel physically hungry, it recoils from eating. I need to clean up, my body is so weak, my mind will not control my limbs to move.
I force my fingers to type word by word hoping that saying this out loud somewhere will release it. But it becomes painfully obvious that it won't.
I lose hope entirely as my energy fades. I have ploughed through each day without pause, wanting to move forward in time like normal people, complete my daily tasks, work on long term goals, even though those goals will change in another week. But eventually, there are no fumes to run on, and like today, I stop dead still and cannot move on.
How long will this last? I don't know. It varies usually. This one feels heavier than the others.
I feel disgusted by myself, I cannot look in a mirror, I don't want to see or hear the presence of another human bring physically.
I just want to fade away.
What do you do when these days come and you cannot see a way through?